When life just gives us too much...the dealings with depression...

Hi.

Forever, I know.

I just have to write about today cause it was so, somber, confusing, uplifting, and funny, that I just had to write about it.

BACK TRACK:

Ok so some of FB users know.. that I have had a resurfacing of that nasty lil condition, depression. But most of my readers don't know, (unless you have been so faithful and close to me on Xanga I know there are a few of you!! HEART HEART!),  is that I have dealt with for 12 years, 10 months and sum-odd days!  

Surfaced from severe PPD..by the way.. that your lucky hormones if you have them all in a happy row cause after having twin babies.. mine went WHACKO!.. ANYHOW....

So Xanga readers, (I don't think I posted it here, and if I did.. i don't care (LOL)

My Depression, smacked me upside the head about 6 weeks ago.  Yeah, big hard whack right to the heart, mind and soul. I was good for a year.. no problems  then WHAMMO.. "I am gonna die".. kinda feeling.

Fortunately, (again sorry for repeat FB users), I had an annual Doctors appointment coming up!  I managed to hang on for a week, (good thing too cause when I finally went to the appointment I was talking tears by then). Doctor, was great as always, and was totally taken back by how I acted and talked (i am usually a happy person by nature, I even laugh when I talk about stuff that makes me nervous or sad.. NOT THIS TIME!).

 So he gave me a booster, to take at night time.  I then had a wonderfully restful, calm week.  I felt at peace.. a little loopy in the morning but otherwise.. I was as cool as a cucumber. 

RECENTLY:

It is now 4 weeks later. I am 1/2 happy person, a bit pissed off at times and if I am irritated at you, I will definitely tell you in so many ways that you will want to hide.  AND.. I still have the loops in the morning, (its like you can't wake up from cold medicine kind of feeling), but this new night medicine he gave me is my friend. 

Saw doctor today for FOLLOWUP.  I have a semi-green light that we are on the right path to happy brain person.

Why do I say, "happy brain person"?  Well the new medicine, its description and who, by diagnosis,  usually has to have this medicine(?)..  well they aren't the most sane people in the world ok?  Notice you haven't read the actual name of the medication on here.. DID YOU SEE IT?  NO?  I won't tell you so don't bug me..(ppsst: pm me sometime and I might.. ).  

Ok so the part above is the  SOMBER and CONFUSING part of the day and well the past month.

The UPLIFTING and FUNNY.. is well.. The doctor.. told me that I have ADHD.. symptoms.  

Ok I would have KNOWN this if I wasn't in slight denial about it. But.. when he said ADHD.. I looked at him slightly horrified and well.. almost convinced.  

See I can't remember ANYTHING RECENT, for that matter, not much awhile ago either.  Suppose you tell me something.. I won't recall what we talked about 5 minutes later.  Ok maybe a slight exaggeration but not really.  Exact words, don't come easily for me. I know this is a Dyslexic trait.. I am all over it cause well I have been doing this since I was a kid, but OMW.. I am even just laughing and crying at myself as of late cause it's overwhelming obvious right now.  My kids look at me.. I am trying to spit out what I need to tell them and it turns into a charades.  

So, getting back (see I am trying, bite my butt ADHD!), the Doctor says.. ok I am gonna read this list of questions.. tell me.. yes or no to each.  Well.. I "yes'd" all but one, and there had to be at least 10 questions.  HELLO ADHD WE ARE ONE.

Ok so that is somewhat uplifting .. cause ADHD? is a brain thing.. Depression? a brain thing.  They relate, and Doc. says, it's a way of the Depression showing itself.  I am thinking ok..at least I am NOT bawling my eyes out and want to dig a tunneled hole to live in..THIS IS PROGRESS.  Yeah.. ok, I think... not great, but ok.

So.. off I go to get more of nameless prescription.  ON MY WAY OUT.. I see a one of those, SELF HELP

booklets.. it says, "JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE?".. I CRACK UP.  (I laugh out loud big time)

I am a work in progress.. and so is my life...if this title didn't remind me to 

1. Live one minute at a time. Breathe

2. Live one hour at a time.  Breathe

3. Live one day at a time.  Breathe

4. Keep your humor, cause life is just to weirdly funny at times. Breathe

5. Jen, did you say your prayers today?  

out....

Back.

Tired.

I dunno why, started about 3 weeks ago, kind unsettling because now the weather is changing.

I do not do well with seasonal changes although I love fall, it's just I have this sadness, instead of 

excitement.  It's strange, I know.  I will not go to the doctor for a med change, I just am going to 

put the mood to action.. get the endorphins in there to make a change and see how that goes.  The last

thing I want to do it up medication or change it; and I was doing so well all year!

The kids are doing great! We go to tutoring out of town only 3 days a week, the girls have rejoined clogging, Girl Scouts is in 

full swing with myself being a Co-Leader of the Cadettes (our group has Daisies all the way to Cadettes, big GROUP!), 

soccer has started for my oldest, and bowling has started for the twins.  Yeah FULL Plate.

You know, when I look at what I just wrote.. I get excited.  I guess I like being on the go, except I need time to 

regroup myself. I don't see that anywhere.  I also see school on the go and my kids need me by their side to teach

them, one on one, so they don't slip and sneak by with mistakes.  Yeah, the tutor told me to be on them about

things cause I see numbers and letters still being written backwards.  I use to not sweat that..thought, with time..

they will adjust.. ah no.  Those mistakes still pop up and I get just a little panicked now cause I think "DYSLEXIA AGAIN!"

I am in this constant wanting to move forward and I find we are just going in circles.  I see other folks kids moving

ahead with schooling, and here I am going over kindergarten things? WHA?  "That is how it is with kids," says the tutor..

she is retired public school I know she HAS to be thinking, "these kids should have been in school,"  I can't help myself.

She also must be thinking, "more sit down time".  Ack.  

Ok so this is where I am at.. I have some guilt and I am looking outside when I should be just staying the course.

I know.  But it's difficult to bring work with us on the go, and have other kids EYE SPYING what we do.

I know, stop thinking and looking. aha!

ok that is all I got.. enjoy the rest of the Holiday weekend!

Life with a Dyslexic Daughter, (and more than likely), two other children as well that have extended needs; is a whirly, twirly world.

In order for my eldest child to be a apart of the "modern world" it's necessary for me to spell everything to her.. constantly.

"Mom, "T" is online in chat, how do you spell _ _ _ _?"  And, it's not one word, I am spelling every, single word, in

sentences!  

 I get frustrated, cause I just sat down to fold laundry, or watch a program or God help me.. get on the computer

myself to play a game, the interruption to spell something comes in droves.  So before my irritation of my "relax time", becoming interrupted comes along, I take a DEEP breath; and tell myself, "this is a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY of a lifetime, get over yourself!"

It's difficult to do this day in and day out.  Add to that, traveling 64 miles, 4 days a week to take all three kids to oldest daughter's

tutoring sessions for reading session for the dyslexia; I am WIPED out for the week.

I haven't even added in the needs of my other two kids. 

My 9 year old who is in constant need of my attention..to show me something, to be loved on, or to get involved with whatever I am doing.  CONSTANT. SHADOW.  Yeah, yeah I know she will grow up and it won't be this way again . ya ya ya.. it still tests the patience meter everyday. 

My dear son, not your typical 13 year old boy; slow to catch on to things and a very quiet demeanor.  Asks a question to me, out of the blue, and gets the "what the heck do you want".. look from me in anticipation that it is one of the  GIRLS coming to bother me again LOL.  Poor kid; as soon as he gets this pitiful look of rejection I grab him and hold him; telling him that I am sorry for my "look" and what can I help him with.  G.U.I.L.T.

I suppose one reason I am typing all this .. is that.. I am feeling the wear this week and part of me feels guilty that I seclude myself to the computer to play a mindless game, stay in bed a little longer while DSC watches kids or take that extra long shower!

Just wanted to type it out... it's therapy ya know..  yes it is!

 So I am reaching out to you.. how was your week?

.

.

Home from Disney.. hundreds of pictures to sort.. some not even developed yet.

Was a very, very good trip.  Kids were angels, hubby wasn't grumpy (much), 

and it will definitely be memorable.

I plan to go back for some numbered wedding anniversary.. WITHOUT kids AND

have the best accommodations that we could afford.. meaning.. mono-rail only for me, 

I will never do car to parking lot and walk miles again.

I wound up in a wheelchair for two out of our five day visit.. my feet hated me, and I 

hated them.  But, lines were short for us with wheels.. so that was awesome but I felt 

terrible for dear hubby who had to push my butt all through out the Disney Park.

My folks were incredibly generous, their patience and stamina was unreal.

Pictures will have to come later.

I am now an "official" cadette girl scout leader.. ho hum.

Very excited that we have a group from mini minies to cadette status.

We can all learn from one another and brilliantly done.. the books to earn badges, pins and the like

REQUIRE the older work with younger and visa versa.

My goal is to not only have my girls learn while I learn but to be a HUGE advocate for special needs in 

Girl Scouts.  Sadly, our county needs help in this area, and I plan to be the voice who speaks.

Ok time to go.  Need some down time.. Thanks for hangin in with me .. its been a ride to be sure.

HAPPY MOM'S DAY!

Hey Hey.  It's getting ready for Disney week. Yep.. my folks are treating the whole family to a week long trip to Disney.

Yeah, I have no words either.

Yep.. I have great parents.. they know we will never afford a trip like this with the kids.. so they are doing it for us.

I dunno if it's inheritance money being used.. I don't care.. I am just THRILLED that this trip is ESPECIALLY with my folks involved.

I love to share my excitement with my kids, with my folks.

Better even, hubby is coming.

No money worries, no fret of "who is watching kids" (he tends to be way over protective and ruins it with the worry), there will 

be four adults.. one adult per whatever a kid comes up with, to go do something with if they want to break from the group.

So freedom.. to just be; I can't think of better.

Plus I love spending time with my folks.. outside of "what we should be doing with our daily life"... that way I don't get picked on.

THIS TRIP IS ABOUT EXPERIENCE.. and we shall.. as much or as little as we want.

So.. this week.. screams laundry, packing, list making..to me.  I made sure I have two completely free days from tutoring to concentrate or what needs doing

and time to run errands.. if need be.

Thanks for all the "good lucks" and "great news" with "Mischief" and tutoring.  I am very thankful.. grateful in oh(!) so many ways.. 

there are just no words for what God has sent us.

I must go.. it's Mother's day. . I must do what I don't often do.. rest.. TAH!